In today's edition of "Weird Shit One Encounters As A Security Guard," we encounter the case of The Man Who Needs To Use The Bathroom (TMWNTUTB). He approaches the guard station where my coworker and I sit (we are doing precisely nothing and being paid for it), and passes by in a hurry. My coworker -- a retired Pittsburgh city cop, 53, named Cy -- loudly says, "Yo man, where you think you goin?"

At an undisclosed location on the Northside of Pittsburgh, my training officer, Frank, a burly, big, corpulent man who stands imposing at over 6'5", attempts to show me the search, rewind, and fast-forward functions on the security cameras that overlook the first floor of the building we're paid to guard. It's not difficult -- just pressing buttons, really -- but he's inspired to show me the system's functionality in as much detail as possible. We know, for example, there are reports of a "suspicious person entrance" last night -- representing one of those weird security phrases that can mean a million different potentially hilarious things but actually means "someone showed up at 3am and nothing weird happened" -- so we try to find it, to find this person.